quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
Every concussion has its silver lining
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
Randomize
