You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
