did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
Randomize
