just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Randomize
