I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
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