please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Randomize
