And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
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