I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
Randomize
