I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
Randomize
