hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
