I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
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