Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Randomize
