The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
Randomize
