pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
Randomize
