Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
Randomize
