FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
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