i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
So i decided to deal with the awkwardness of last night by making out with all three of them
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Randomize
