Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
Randomize
