It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
Randomize
