There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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