I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
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He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
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On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
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