i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
These Dirty People Haven’t Told Their SO About Their Kinky Fetish
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
This is Why People Stop Sex Halfway Through
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.