I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
Randomize
