Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Randomize
