i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I could have mohawked her pubes.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
Randomize
