like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Randomize
