I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
Randomize
