I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
Randomize
