i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
29 Petty People Reveal The Shallow Reasons They Turned Someone Down
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
21 Horribly Evil Pranks To Play On Your Drunk Friends
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man