Your face is a jimmy john
i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
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