I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
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I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
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yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
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