shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
