I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Randomize
