hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
Randomize
