I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
My orgasm happened in two different decades
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