come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys