Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
Randomize
