There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
Randomize
