I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
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