sooooo how many boyfriends is too many?
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
Randomize
