So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
Randomize
