Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize
