my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
we're talking about where were going. or where we stand. but yeah we'll basically be doing it in the hallway so just ignore us
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
