I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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