I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Randomize
