Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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