I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
