Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
Just fucked my ex's brother. It is clear I dated the wrong one. Is it wrong for me to continue to fuck this one?
Randomize
