Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Randomize
