This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Randomize
