I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
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