I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
i'm in the guys across the halls apartment. i think 7 MIP guy wants me. he just got a medical marijuana card. might be worth it.
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.