I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
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So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
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hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.