I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
Randomize
