Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
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