how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
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Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
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We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
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