I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Randomize
