I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
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