im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
