I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
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