if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
Randomize
