someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
He said i was a degenerate twofaced catholic slut and a grade a bitch. Quite complimentary really. i guess i shouldn't insult the red wings
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
Finally buying a camera. Missed out on recording a 3way last night. Hindsight. Ugh.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
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