Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
Randomize
